What Can I Do RIGHT NOW?

So many people gobbled up by such an easy monster to defeat - why is it that nobody was prepared for this?

What Can I Do RIGHT NOW?

Following the steps I have laid out thus far should bring you to a point where you have a few moments to reflect on life as it once was. Advertisements for all sorts of luxuries used to burn their way into your memory. The lovely, textbook “American Dream” family life that you may have once had has turned into a tale of terror. The key characteristic for success and survival regresses from communication (business, sales, marketing) back to something more physical, more primitive. Money suddenly takes a step back as many tumble from the top of Maslow‘s Hierarchy to the bottom. But not you. You, reading this blog, you have on the slip resistant shoes. Big ups buddy.

Your mind may also wander into the land of regret and doubt - what could I have done to better prepare myself? And you, reading this now, might be thinking that very question but in the present tense. Stroking your chin, in deep thought. Thankful for all those times you were pooping and decided to pass the time by letting your mind wander to fantastical ideas such as the Zombie Apocalypse (I’m not saying I write this blog on the potty, but I’m not saying that I don’t either) and what you would do in such an event. This post is your remedy. I am your slip resistant shoes. 

Physical training now will pay huge dividends later after the Zombie Apocalypse begins. If you are fit, fast, strong then you have a serious leg up on a lot of the fodder. This also includes any weapons training or self defense training you could acquire from professionals in the world in its current state. Learning how to shoot a gun, use a sword, or kick box (yeah I went there) could help to prepare you for using - at least attempting - these techniques in real time when it counts.

Learning homesteading techniques is becoming more and more commonplace in American culture for many reasons - fear and panic towards the current economic state of the world, preparation for a catastrophic event, the sudden popularity of being a “red neck” that has hit pop culture (on a side note WTF is up with that anyway?) and an overactive imagination (hooray for nerds like me). Any knowledge relating to self sufficiency and living off the land tactics such as raising crops and animals will be worth its weight in food during the Zombie Apocalypse.

Plotting out your course of actions in advance of the impending zombie epidemic is probably the most important thing you can do right now. As a frequenter of zombie fiction in all forms, I used to be perplexed at how some people who appeared totally worthless made it as far as they did. Planning. If chance dictates anything during the Zombie Apocalypse, planning is the way to hedge your bet and stack your chances of survival. Physical training is meaningless if you don’t have a plan and wind up cornered somewhere inhospitable, with shambling assholes banging on the windows to gobble you up. Homesteading will only be useful once out of immediate danger and setup in a fortress. If you have a plan, it can be curtailed to meet your strengths and dodge obstacles presented by your shortcomings. The plus-sized potential survivors can plan a route that doesn’t involve running. The scrawny can plan ahead and make certain they won’t have to lift anything heavy. And those of us who have no formal education in anything that is useful after the breakdown of society can start learning some of those things immediately. 

If you take these words seriously (save maybe the bit on poop), you WILL increase your chance of surviving the Zombie Apocalypse. Having a plan and preparing yourself mentally and physically for disaster is the only way to give yourself an edge when, as a wise man once put it, the shit goes down. If you don’t prepare for doomsday scenarios of any sort, hey, maybe you’ll get lucky. And if you think you are lucky, go to the casino. That is where ALL the lucky people hang out. 

In The Woods Entertainment

Twitter @Matt_InTheWoods 
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Choosing Your Fortress

Choosing Your Fortress

"It won't hold much longer!" I hollered across the house as I pushed all of my weight against the front door. The locks weren't going to hold by themselves and we hadn't the time to move furniture before they were pounding and scraping, putting out the maximum physical exertion just to get in. "The garage now! Get the kids in the car! HURRY!"

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Selecting the right place to fortify and defend will be a pivotal decision that could make or break your life during and after (if you make it so far) the Zombie Apocalypse. Poor foresight at this time will result in your ass on a silver plate for an unsavory group of creatures (and they don't use sporks).

Buildings after the collapse of society should be looked at in two different ways - a potential fortress or a potential supply stop. "Casing the joint" is now something done by survivors and not necessarily heathens. Sometimes these two categories will overlap but not always. If you are in an area you are familiar with, you should already know where some of the bigger, more defensible buildings are and hopefully you have some knowledge about where some supply buildings would be located as well, especially if you (like me) constantly put yourself in the shoes of someone escaping zombies. To determine whether or not a building is good to defend - not just from zombies, from hostile survivors as well - there are a few key characteristics to consider.

1. Accessibility. A structure that has limited windows and only a few doors would be easy to fortify because there are less ways a zombie could enter. Furthermore, multiple floors increases your initial work load (clearing all threats - see Taking Control of Your Fortress) but that increase in space gives you so much more room to work with after things start to settle down (oh yes, eventually we will settle down - this is a survival guide ffs).

2. Roof Access. It is important to get to the roof of any building you are holding down. You need to make your hideout known to helicopters and planes that may be searching for survivors. You will need the space and sun light on the roof to grow plants and collect rain water (if you make it this far, we’ll come back to this concept in a future post). Also the "high ground" is a strategic location to control if you find your building under siege. Consider as well how funny it would be to pee off the roof onto the zombies below.

3. Contents. Most buildings will have SOMETHING useful, but some buildings are a higher priority than others. If your local grocery store fits the characteristics you are looking for in a fortress, locking it down will hopefully give you an immediate supply of food, bottled water, and (in some places) alcohol. If you need to know something - anything - a library or book store are solid places to check out. Sometimes you will find that a building with awesome contents is not defensible. In this instance, don't even bother to try to defend it. Make a note of where this place is and get on with finding a fortress - supply runs after your new home is established will raid local buildings for the supplies within. Trying to make a building a fortress when it is not cut out to be one will result in a demotion from survivor to fodder instantly.

You will have to be planning in advance with any building that you lock down. How long are you going to stay here if nobody comes to rescue you? How long are you going to have before you need to make a run for supplies somewhere? Is there a large enough local population to expect that other survivors are out there and may possibly make their way here as well?

Some of us though will be unfortunate enough to be somewhere they are unfamiliar with when the Zombie Apocalypse breaks out. If you are advanced enough to be able to identify a defensible building in a town you are unfamiliar with, kudos. For those of you who are not this advanced or who don‘t feel confident in ANY building around, you may want to consider the option Run Like Hell.

Some key buildings you are DEFINITELY going to want to find are:

1. Grocery Store. Food. Bottled water. Some over the counter medicine. Alcohol (to help clean cuts that were NOT inflicted by zombies). A grocery store is AT LEAST worthy of being noted as a potential supply stop.

2. Super Center. Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Costco. Anything with lots of stuff and a variety of merchandise. In some areas, these types of stores are more plentiful than gun shops and thus could possibly quench your desire for weapon ammunition. These buildings also expand on everything listed in the grocery store section above. While probably too big to hold down as a fortress, these buildings are worth consideration - but definitely prove their worth as supply stops.

3. Library. Once you get settled in you are going to need to learn things you never needed to know before. Libraries are full of information. Endless knowledge for those who can read. Plus they have maps!  Big ups for the library!!!

4. Police Station / Army Depot. Here we may have weapons and/or bad ass survivors. Either of these constitutes an upgrade to your team and the possibility of either being present makes this building a MUST VISIT at least as a supply stop.

5. Hardware Store. Great place to score building materials, seeds for plants, tools (for tool purposes or weapons purposes), and sometimes even hunting gear and guns!  A good hardware store is a sleeper building not oft thought of but critical to the Long Term Survival of anybody serious about surviving in a post Zombie Apocalypse world.

6. Hospital / Pharmacy. Yes, it is a big “no-no” to go to a hospital.  But for long term medicinal needs it is a very real possibility that you will have to get to a hospital to get medical supplies or a pharmacy to get medicine.

7.  Gas Stations. Any place where you could get some gas could be worth a stop. Gas is critical to running a lot of machinery and will become a much MORE limited commodity in this world.

8. Liquor Store. Yep.

In The Woods Entertainment

Twitter @Matt_InTheWoods 
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Got Fiction? Got Zombie? Got Blog? Send all submissions to ManagerInTheWoods@gmail.com for publishing consideration.

Secure Loved Ones

Secure Loved Ones

My heart dropped when my car skidded into the driveway. Dirt and bits of gravel kicked up into the air and made a cloud that expanded outward around the car as I hurried out of it. The front door was wide open and a puddle of blood trickled down the steps in front of me...

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When the day is upon us, many people will move to protect families and loved ones. This is a legitimate first move (personally my first move as well). BUT THIS IS NOT FOR EVERYBODY. The reality is that some of us don't live anywhere near our families, so this move will have to be put on the back burner while the real possibilities are evaluated.

Is your family alive? The Zombie Apocalypse almost by definition dictates that people will die. FACT: The less prepared you are for this event, the more susceptible you and your loved ones are to death! Prepared or not, get to your vehicle quickly as possible. Once you arrive where your family is (or should be), do not waste a second. Survey the area quickly while approaching. Look for familiar faces and attempt to verify how bad the zombie attacks were before you arrived and if your family is still inside the target building and if they are alive. Proceed with extreme caution (while still moving as fast as possible) and with a cool head. Navigate around any zombies between you and the target building providing there aren't too many zombies blocking your path - fighting now would only slow you down and every second counts. Once inside, listen for desperate breathing. If your family is hiding inside, you may hear upset, staggered breathing as they attempt to remain hidden from the infected assailants outside. Whisper out "Psst! Is anybody here?" or something along those lines. It would be an epic fail to remain quiet, be mistaken for a zombie, and be seriously wounded accidentally by the very people you came to save! 

If your family is worth a damn they will already have supplies packed up in preparation for a world changing phenomenon such as the Zombie Apocalypse. If they are not worth a damn, scroll down to the next words you see in bold print.

If you do not find your family where they should be, maybe they were able to escape before you arrived. If you have a plan and are prepared, you will probably have a meeting point already designated in case of separation. If you are unprepared (and are making a valiant effort to remedy that condition via this blog) then it is necessary for you to brainstorm all the possibilities while high-tailing it to your car and getting back on the road. I would personally suggest starting your search with the most likely location, but without a plan it is really just a crap shoot. Have a plan with your family and friends.

Now, for the alternative - what the Zombie Apocalypse is truly about : Survival.

Could your family be dead? Sure. Most of us will not accept this notion without physical evidence. You see it all the time in movies when one person doesn't make it back to camp and the others struggle with how to proceed, like "Maybe he's still out there right now!" and ideas like that. In some cases one will get that "closure" from physical evidence in the form of an eerily familiar looking gaggle of zombies on the front porch. Some people will not have this irrefutable proof and will seek their families at any cost, no matter how slim chances are for a satisfactory outcome. 

There will even be people that will move on in their own best interests without even attempting to find and ensure the safety of loved ones. Dick move? Maybe. The need to survive can sometimes supersede thoughts and emotions. And some people are better at facing facts (and/or jumping to conclusions) than others. If the question is "What are the chances my 97 year old blind great grandmother who lives in that nursing home in Center City next to the hospital is still alive?", then we must consider that, while some of us would struggle with the gravity and very real circumstances surrounding such a thought, others would answer that question very quickly with "Fuck that bitch anyway!" Dick move? Maybe. Okay, this time it totally is. 

With your loved ones all gathered up (or not), the time has come to decide where your fortress is going to be. Do you think zombies will stop at a locked door? Long Term Survival will be best accomplished by selecting a defensible position and fortifying it. Just don't forget to bring beer (the zombie apocalypse is BYOB).

In The Woods Entertainment

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Your First Moves

The onset of the Zombie Apocalypse could be packaged and delivered in a variety of different ways, from the glaringly obvious rise of the dead as we would imagine it - hordes of zombies busting down doors and through windows - to the "slow roll" type of onset - cases of cannibalism being reported on the news more frequently as the crisis slowly develops. The difference between these two extremes and the entire range of possibilities between them will play a major role in your initial reaction to this major disaster - if you see corpses walking and attacking other people, you will be more certain of your evaluation of the situation than if you see one shambling asshole moseying down an otherwise empty alley. Considering the inability of a logical person to determine that the Zombie Apocalypse is here without irrefutable evidence, you will benefit MORE from witnessing an army of zombies attacking people than you would if you were to just see one or two zombies shuffling about the parking lot of the shopping plaza where you work (assuming of course you aren't eaten at this juncture). 

It is almost better to witness zombies eat people before you know what is going on because the certainty that would come with seeing the disaster unfold in front of you would give you the “go ahead” that you would need to drop what you are doing and run for your damn life. You wouldn't struggle with any doubt about what is happening if you witness it first hand. Hopefully you are informed/creative/morbid enough to recognize a zombie when you see one because the first moves you make in the Zombie Apocalypse could dictate exactly how long you last or how quickly you become zombie dinner.

The very first few moves you make must be decisive, calculated, and absolutely flawless in execution. You will always want to escape immediate danger first and foremost. The best way to stay a non-zombie is to avoid the chance of becoming a zombie altogether. If the onset is chaotic and the zombies have the upper hand then run for your life. If you find that you lack definitive enough proof that zombies are upon us, hopefully your interest in this blog will at least raise a red flag in the back of your mind. Zombies must always be considered a possibility.

Chance will dictate who survives in the beginning for most people, the unprepared. Most will be caught with their pants down - some literally - and their escape will be a mad scramble as fast as possible to nowhere in particular. Knowing where you are running TO is part of what separates survivors from fodder. Have a plan or at least some idea of where you are going and for what purpose.

In some instances, removing yourself from danger will be best accomplished by getting to a rooftop, or some other place with a physically restrictive means of access. If such an option is presented to you, certain characteristics should be sought to determine long term use of this hideaway. More on that here!

Your next move should be to arm yourself.  Guns are nice if you are already well versed in their use. Other weapons to consider are more common items - sports equipment (baseball bat, hockey stick, lacrosse stick), tools (hammer, wrench, sledge), or any of these blades. Anything that packs a punch. You don’t want to be caught in a situation where you have to get past a zombie or two to get to your next destination but have nothing but bare hands with which to neutralize said enemy. There is no need to be picky AT FIRST in the urgency of your hasty retreat from danger. Depending on what you see laying around - umbrella on an outdoor dining set, pick it up - fallen branch of decent size, pick it up - steel folding chair, pick it up. Something is better than nothing at all in your mad dash to better your situation. Obviously if you find something more durable than what you are holding, consider swapping weapons. You don’t want to use such flimsy items as long term weapons, but for the immediate future literally almost ANYTHING is better than your bare hands.

After removing yourself from immediate danger and picking up at least the crudest weapon immediately available to you, there are a few different routes to pursue that are specific to you and your life before the Zombie Apocalypse. Some people will have families and will move to Secure Loved Ones while others have little so dear to them and can start preparing for Long Term Survival in a world possibly overrun with endless hordes of flesh eating monsters.

In The Woods Entertainment

Twitter @Matt_InTheWoods 
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Got Fiction? Got Zombie? Got Blog? Send all submissions to ManagerInTheWoods@gmail.com for publishing consideration.

The Zombie Apocalypse And You!

Welcome to The Zombie Apocalypse And You! 

If you're a good friend, you will share this blog with everybody you wish to survive the tough times that are undoubtedly in the near future. 

If you're not a good friend then at least you are ensuring your own safety by visiting this blog! You are NOT a selfish person...

In The Woods Entertainment

Twitter @Matt_InTheWoods 
Facebook.com/InTheWoodsEntertainment

Got Fiction? Got Zombie? Got Blog? Send all submissions to ManagerInTheWoods@gmail.com for publishing consideration.