Perimeter Defenses

"Heads up! They're pushing through!!"

Every zombie survivalist's worst nightmare is seeing a horde breaking through what they thought was a solid defensive perimeter; or worse yet, hostile douche bags coming in to try to steal your hard earned (or hard stolen) supplies. Pistols, rifles, and blades have already been covered, so if it comes to that, use them. But how do you prevent spending precious ammo or damaging good blades on a pile of douche bags you'll probably never see again, or a horde that will most likely overrun you and your crew?

It's said that the best defense is a good offense. I say the best defense is a big ass fence; two if possible; just ask Rick Perry, he would DEFINITELY agree. Your primary fence should be chain link, like what's most commonly seen in yards today. HOWEVER you don't want to be that ass-hole who thinks "OK, my fence is up. I'm invincible." Especially if it's the standard layout with posts every five to eight feet (*cough* you're FUCKED *cough*). You're going to want them every foot or less to really maximize your strengths. Follow that up with a traditional style palisade (20 foot long vertical posts stuck at least four feet into the ground), complete with archer's towers (if you can't figure out how to work the towers in to your primary defensive fence design then you know what? Fuck it, double them bitches up just to be safe). Personally, I'd go with steel pipes instead of wood. While wood is good (am I right or am I right ladies? Some gentlemen as well; don't want to leave anyone out), you spray the steel down with Rhino Liner, or some other type of heavy duty coating, and your element proofing is basically taken care of. From here we go landscape defenses.

Pits are no one's friend; especially if you forget your deodorant, which most people won't have during the zombie apocalypse. But they can be helpful if you fill them with sharpened stakes to catch those hungry zombie fucks! Or to stop other humans trying to steal your stuff, which will then double as bait for the zombies. They always appreciate an easy snack. Markers are always helpful so you don't become one of those snacks; remember to always leave something obvious to those who know what to look for, but undetectable to the clueless amblers (kind of like herpes).

I.E.D. Clay pots-- Most notably used in the Vietnam War against Americans, were exceptional weapons. Set up in a similar fashion as they were in the war (left out in a way to make them seem useful or to be holding supplies), a simple trip wire staged with a heavy flint and gun powder or gasoline mixed with oil to make sure it sticks will make a good show as well doing some serious damage. While zombies may take a while to have their brains melt from the heat, it'll drop anything actually breathing really fast.

Home made Napalm--A good friend of mine that was former military once said something very profound; "Naaaapalm, Naaaapalm! Sticks like glue!! Sticks to buildings and vehicles too!" The italics is for the rather squeamish, I edited it a bit, since this is meant to be a family friendly apocalyptic death scenario blog. Think it's impossible? Apparently you didn't have enough free time as a kid. I won't give you the proper ratios on here so as not to be labeled a domestic terrorist, but gasoline and styrofoam are very good friends. How could napalm be useful you ask? Line your perimeter with it and all you need is a well placed match, lighter, or flaming projectile and all of a sudden you have a blazing wall that people can't get over without having fire stick to at least a small part of their body. Well done zombie anyone?

Gun powder--It doesn't just make guns go boom! We can look back to the clay pots mentioned earlier with this one, as well as anything else you can figure out how to make pressure tight. The more compression gun powder has, the bigger the boom. You just have to make sure you don't end up like the "firecracker kids" that invariably pop up every year around 4th of July. Fingers are for more than pointing after all. (Again, am I right ladies?)

Boiling Animal Fat--No one ever gives enough credit to the fatties (double entendre anyone?). Animal fat is great as a fire source for not only keeping yourself warm in colder climates, but as a defensive tool as well. As the start of this section suggests, get it boiling, and drop it on those intruding pricks trying to break through your hopefully kick ass defenses! If that doesn't work, or if they're in vehicles and boiling fat doesn't do the trick - flaming projectile time! In essence it's an easier way to get napalm. Sticky and thick (giggity) it'll get the job done and light very quickly. If you're using it on zombies, the heat produced from getting something that thick to boil will sear flesh, which means the body will be rendered basically useless.

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