Perimeter Defenses

"Heads up! They're pushing through!!"

Every zombie survivalist's worst nightmare is seeing a horde breaking through what they thought was a solid defensive perimeter; or worse yet, hostile douche bags coming in to try to steal your hard earned (or hard stolen) supplies. Pistols, rifles, and blades have already been covered, so if it comes to that, use them. But how do you prevent spending precious ammo or damaging good blades on a pile of douche bags you'll probably never see again, or a horde that will most likely overrun you and your crew?

It's said that the best defense is a good offense. I say the best defense is a big ass fence; two if possible; just ask Rick Perry, he would DEFINITELY agree. Your primary fence should be chain link, like what's most commonly seen in yards today. HOWEVER you don't want to be that ass-hole who thinks "OK, my fence is up. I'm invincible." Especially if it's the standard layout with posts every five to eight feet (*cough* you're FUCKED *cough*). You're going to want them every foot or less to really maximize your strengths. Follow that up with a traditional style palisade (20 foot long vertical posts stuck at least four feet into the ground), complete with archer's towers (if you can't figure out how to work the towers in to your primary defensive fence design then you know what? Fuck it, double them bitches up just to be safe). Personally, I'd go with steel pipes instead of wood. While wood is good (am I right or am I right ladies? Some gentlemen as well; don't want to leave anyone out), you spray the steel down with Rhino Liner, or some other type of heavy duty coating, and your element proofing is basically taken care of. From here we go landscape defenses.

Pits are no one's friend; especially if you forget your deodorant, which most people won't have during the zombie apocalypse. But they can be helpful if you fill them with sharpened stakes to catch those hungry zombie fucks! Or to stop other humans trying to steal your stuff, which will then double as bait for the zombies. They always appreciate an easy snack. Markers are always helpful so you don't become one of those snacks; remember to always leave something obvious to those who know what to look for, but undetectable to the clueless amblers (kind of like herpes).

I.E.D. Clay pots-- Most notably used in the Vietnam War against Americans, were exceptional weapons. Set up in a similar fashion as they were in the war (left out in a way to make them seem useful or to be holding supplies), a simple trip wire staged with a heavy flint and gun powder or gasoline mixed with oil to make sure it sticks will make a good show as well doing some serious damage. While zombies may take a while to have their brains melt from the heat, it'll drop anything actually breathing really fast.

Home made Napalm--A good friend of mine that was former military once said something very profound; "Naaaapalm, Naaaapalm! Sticks like glue!! Sticks to buildings and vehicles too!" The italics is for the rather squeamish, I edited it a bit, since this is meant to be a family friendly apocalyptic death scenario blog. Think it's impossible? Apparently you didn't have enough free time as a kid. I won't give you the proper ratios on here so as not to be labeled a domestic terrorist, but gasoline and styrofoam are very good friends. How could napalm be useful you ask? Line your perimeter with it and all you need is a well placed match, lighter, or flaming projectile and all of a sudden you have a blazing wall that people can't get over without having fire stick to at least a small part of their body. Well done zombie anyone?

Gun powder--It doesn't just make guns go boom! We can look back to the clay pots mentioned earlier with this one, as well as anything else you can figure out how to make pressure tight. The more compression gun powder has, the bigger the boom. You just have to make sure you don't end up like the "firecracker kids" that invariably pop up every year around 4th of July. Fingers are for more than pointing after all. (Again, am I right ladies?)

Boiling Animal Fat--No one ever gives enough credit to the fatties (double entendre anyone?). Animal fat is great as a fire source for not only keeping yourself warm in colder climates, but as a defensive tool as well. As the start of this section suggests, get it boiling, and drop it on those intruding pricks trying to break through your hopefully kick ass defenses! If that doesn't work, or if they're in vehicles and boiling fat doesn't do the trick - flaming projectile time! In essence it's an easier way to get napalm. Sticky and thick (giggity) it'll get the job done and light very quickly. If you're using it on zombies, the heat produced from getting something that thick to boil will sear flesh, which means the body will be rendered basically useless.

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POP Goes the Pistol

Small, Medium, Large, or "Sorry 'bout your dick bro"?

There are an EXORBITANT amount of options in the world when it comes to handguns; which is probably why I love them so much. A list of the top 10 guns sold in America in 2013 (in no particular order because I was too lazy to classify based on sales or use) should help explain a good majority, and that will be followed by a breakdown of each.

The ever popular doorstop Glock (I cringe at the thought, but a lot of people love them, and I will tip my hat to them for reliability. But ONLY as I give them the middle finger for weight and balance).

Beretta, if you're a fan of '90s buddy cop movies, particularly Lethal Weapon (Mel Gibson's gun), or are current or former military that had sidearms training after the late 80's or early 90's, you're familiar with what they look like.

Smith & Wesson, also great doorstops that can double as a hammer if needed,  for their semi-automatic pistols, but quite possibly some of the best revolvers ever made, especially for the price they normally come out with.

The world renowned 1911 (Kimber manufacturing took top sales for 2013 I've shot them, beautiful guns).

Lesser known guns are the Hi-Point, which should be lesser known since it's nickname is the five dollar hood special. KelTec, which doesn't make horrible guns, I'm personally not a fan, but as a last resort I'll take it over a Hi-Point any day. Taurus, the wannabe Beretta, the Springfield XD Series (the All-American "Fuck you!" to Glock), Sig Saur (I know I know...we kicked their goose-stepping asses in WWII why would I trust one of their guns? Because Germans don't fuck around when it comes to shooting shit, that's why), and finally the Ruger, similar to Smith & Wesson in that they're known for their revolvers, but different from Smith & Wesson in that their semi-autos aren't complete pieces of shit.

Two guns not on the top 10 list, but that need mention because of my opening line--The Desert Eagle, which comes in .44 Magnum and .50 caliber (aka .50 Action Express, future referenced as AE), and the .50 caliber revolver, 500 Smith & Wesson, made by a variety of manufacturers. To sum these up, sorry again, about your dick bro.

Glock

The Austrian word for "Shit, I just pulled 5 feet left because this fucker's so light!" Can you tell I'm not a fan? Credit does need to be given where it's due though. EXCEPTIONAL durability--Mud, blood, sand, dirt, over lubed (giggity) under lubed (ouch >_<), hot, or cold; as long as you don't limp-wrist it like a teenage girl nervously giving her first hand job, it'll keep on coming (just like the teenage boy getting his first hand job). Glocks come in every logical caliber. Logical being anything but .44 SPL or Mag, and .50 caliber (AE or 500 S&W). Your standard Glock pistol models are 17 (9mm, full size frame), 22 (.40 caliber, full size frame), 20 (10mm full size frame), 21 (.45 caliber full size frame) 42 (.380 caliber, subcompact; downside to this, as with most .380s-6 shot magazine). Cleaning and maintaining a Glock is very easy, with the Generation 4 models, a simple field strip can be done with three fingers with enough practice. Any prior models and it usually takes four or five, just for safety.

Beretta

Italian for "Not quite a Lambo, but still a sexy bitch..." When the military decided to switch from the iconic 1911 to the Beretta M9 in the late 70s/early 80s, people weren't exactly happy; and by people I mean anyone who'd ever been in combat or had a family member in combat. They knew what that beautiful little .45 could do, versus some rinky dink piece of shit 9mm? No contest. But capacity won out. 15 rounds in the magazine versus 7 tends to make people stop and think. Since then, Beretta has proven itself on the battlefield, with Law Enforcement, as well as the standard armed civilian. 

Beretta has a number of pistols to work with, all the way up to the .45 caliber. The two classics, the Model 92FS and Model 92A1 are basically what you see in the movies, with the exception of the A1 having notched out grooves under the front of the barrel for accessories (either a flashlight or laser, "You want some laser eye surgery, Leo?" gotta love Gibson), which are your standard 9mm pistols. Then there's the Model 96 and 96A1, same concept as the Model 92s but in .40 caliber. Beretta has also recently come out with their PX4 Storm models, which I briefly covered in my rifle post. Varying from 9mm up to .45 caliber, if Beretta stands behind them, I will too. BUT I will say, as with Glock, I don't like plastic, and having shot them, I'm not a personal fan of the PX4 models. 

Lastly is the Neos, a little plinker .22, but I've said it before, and I'll say it again, .22 is your best friend in an apocalypse situation. I've shot them, and for .22 they are very nice, very reliable pistols. A lot of .22s tend to jam due to improper grip, but this gun can be shot almost barely being held.

Anything with a variant of the number 90 in it is very easy to work with and clean, which is always good, but bear something VERY important in mind, the 92F, the original 9mm designed for mass production had a bit of a problem. After shooting, people tended to have the slide (top half of the gun) come back into their face. I love the movie Sin City, but I personally don't want to end up like Benicio Del Toro. The PX models and the Neos are a pain in the balls to clean if you haven't done it before, but like anything, practice makes perfect.

Smith & Wesson

The American Revolver. You don't get much classier than a Smith Model 29 (Go ahead punk, make my day), or the Model 686, well recognized by sight, .357 magnum. The NYPD has the option of carrying slight variations of the Model 5906 semi-auto 9mm pistol, but it's rare because they know how unreliable they are. For that reason, I say this--AVOID Smith & Wesson semi-autos for at least another 2-3 years, just to make sure they get the kinks out. Don't get me wrong, an apocalypse is an apocalypse, if you come across one, grab that bitch. But if you have the option to walk away, take it. The two revolvers mentioned--well, the Model 29 falls under the SBYD category. A .44 Mag is just too inefficient, the bullets are heavy as hell, the recoil, for most, is unmanageable, and even if you can manage it, there's still too much time off target where you have to readjust. And God forbid you have to shoot in a low-light situation, you will blind yourself from the muzzle flash. The Model 686 (similar to Rick's Python, for my new generation "Dead" Heads out there) on the other hand, exceptional gun, taking .357 Mag as well as .38 SPL, which is always a plus. Less recoil, more manageable for weight on the gun as well as the ammo, and a gun that takes two types of ammunition is always a bonus.

Ruger

The Blackhawk and Redhawk. Anyone who claims a working knowledge of popular guns knows these two guns. The key difference being their action types; single action only (only works with the hammer cocked) or double action (option of hammer cocked or squeeze through the trigger). Single action is far more accurate due to a lighter, and far shorter trigger squeeze; therefore the Blackhawk is going to be covered first. 

Coming in .357 for your standard Blackhawk, or .44 Mag with the Super Blackhawk, you have your options. Once again you can go .357 or .38 SPL with the standard Blackhawk which is always a plus, downside though is loading and reloading. The easiest way to explain it is take one bullet out, put one in, then rotate the cylinder, and so on five more times. 

The Redhawk on the other hand, you have the ease of dropping six shots in with one step if you have a speed-loader, and even if you don't you have full access to the cylinder which greatly speeds up loading time. Firing speed is also important in this situation. With a single action revolver, as already stated, you HAVE to cock the hammer back, half a second to two seconds doesn't sound like a lot, but when you have a bunch of hungry ass dead fucks coming at you like it's cheat night for Jenny Craig and you're the chocolate bar, that time is important as hell. 

The SR series of semi-auto pistols designed by Ruger are on the stronger side for need of experience due to how heavy some of the movable parts are, mainly the slide lock, and God forbid you're in a reload situation, you don't want to break your thumb trying to rechamber with a new magazine. Their most popular semi-auto though, is the LCP (Light Carry Pistol). This model comes in the traditional LCP chambered in .380 ACP, LC9 9mm for something with a little more pop, anything larger and you step back in to the SR series. For Ruger, get yourself a Redhawk .357 Magnum if you have the option.

Hi-Point

You're fucked. Seriously? Gonna keep going, hoping to see something good about these? OK, IF you manage to get it loaded, put that bitch under your chin and make your peace with God, because that first shot is your only guaranteed shot.

KelTec

I have very mixed feelings on KelTecs, they are reliable, their rifles are exceptional, and they have a wide variety of pistols available. They are commonly known for their Concealed Carry pistols though, most notably the Model P3AT; a .380 caliber pocket pistol. A major design flaw in them unfortunately, is KelTec decided not to take the time to flatten out the contact edges above the trigger guard when they made it, (it's injection molded, so in essence two pieces of polymer plastic pressed together). However the KelTec does have a slightly lighter trigger pull giving a bit more of an accurate shot due to said smoothness (and who doesn't like it better when it's smooth?), but knowing you're going to get bit by the frame does tend to throw shooters off when working with them (unless you're into that kind of kinky shit). It's a bit of a tough competition, the Ruger LCP is the stronger option for comfort in the hands and controllable recoil, while the P3AT has the smoother trigger, for their size, it's a toss up for what to go with.

Taurus

"I wanna be a Beretta! But cheaper and shittier." NAILED IT! Taurus is known for taking a great semi-auto pistol, and turning it into a bigger pile of shit than Sarah Palin's explanation of her international relations experience. Good revolvers, like Ruger and Smith, but this knock-off Beretta is just that-a shitty knock-off. I once saw a picture of a beautifully gold inlayed, intricately carved 1911, and I almost cried when I realized that craftsmanship like that couldn't be shot, can't take the chance of messing up the design; then I realized it was a Taurus and was at peace, because they're barely trustworthy in 9mm, fuck .45. 

The two revolvers Taurus is well known for, and hold up well in durability, are the Judge and the Raging Judge (good job marketing department, couldn't even pick something original for the second one). The Judge is the more feasible option for control. The option of .45 Colt (think .45 ACP on steroids) or a .410 Shotgun Shell are challenging, but manageable. The Raging Judge runs the added option of .454 Casull (sorry, once again, 'bout your dick bro), unwieldy for anyone without a large amount of experience with stronger caliber guns, these are your two best options for Taurus, with the recommendation going to the standard Judge.

Springfield XD Series

I've shot them, I love them. It's a rare opportunity for me to compliment a polymer pistol, but when it comes to comfort, accuracy, and balance--The XD nailed it. My favorite part of the gun? Springfield's giant middle finger to Glock with the name. An abbreviated history lesson; when Glock originally came out it was sold exclusively to Law Enforcement, garnering the nickname "The Duty Pistol". Springfield, being the All-American company that it is, countered with XD; the "X-Treme Duty Pistol" (Hey...FUCK YOU Glock"). They come in an extremely wide variety, 9mm, .40 cal, and .45. You also have the XD-S models, which, just like their big brothers, come in all three of the standard calibers, but in approximately half the size.

Sig Saur

Used by military, law enforcement, and civilians alike, the Sig Saur is an overall very well adapted gun. Having a variety of sizes and calibers, the Sig is a versatile pistol that holds up very well in just about any situation. The P229 is the most common Sig pistol in circulation at the moment, being a standard option for law enforcement and Military Police, it's a reliable, durable weapon; however my preference is toward the Model P2022 due to a more user friendly interface. The standard Sig model has the slide lock and auto decocker (lever that brings the hammer forward without firing the gun) that feel almost exactly alike, which can throw off a shooter not used to working with that style of gun mechanics; for a new shooter think Ricky Bobby--"I...I don't know what to do with my hands." The P2022 on the other hand, has a much more pronounced slide lock, with a tight bodied decocker. In all, the Sig is a gun that, while you do need to get comfortable with it, is a definite must for any zombie apocalypse arsenal.

1911

This part may take me a while to write just because I'll have to keep wiping the drool off of my keyboard. There aren't many objects in the world that you can simply reference a year and most people know what you're talking about. The 1911 happens to be one of them. John Moses Browning was the original designer; with the U.S. military finding a very high demand for something with such power in the late 1800s and early 1900s in the Philippines. John Browning delivered, and to this day, his design still delivers, with the 1911 being heralded by most gun aficionados as "The service pistol". A .45 caliber, heavy duty stopping power, and for anyone comfortable enough to handle it, a near impossible gun to miss with. An original design flaw that in recent years has been dealt with was their magazine capacity, .45 is great, but in a horde situation you're effectively fucked with between seven and nine shots total. As stated though, this flaw has been corrected as of late, with several companies coming out with "double stack" magazines (higher capacity for ammunition). 

Para USA seems to be the most popular out there, a lot of haters on it, but I'm not allowed to say much with my already stated disdain for all things plastic, and most double stack 1911s seem to be plastic. If you're looking for a traditional, hard-hitting 1911 you want to go with one of three brands--Colt, which is the original mass producing company of 1911s, Springfield Armory, a personal favorite of mine from them is the "Champion" model, and Ruger. Just to clarify on this one--Glock can suck a big old rotting zombie dick if it's next to a 1911.

Desert Eagles and S&W 500s

Aren't you cute with your little hand cannon :) Dirty Harry days are done folks, and while I do so love watching him make the bad guy piss his pants, a .44 Mag Revolver (OR Desert Eagle) has no intimidation factor when it comes to zombies, and they are most definitely priority numero uno for the purposes of this blog. 

For that reason, don't be a bitch, carry something that makes sense. A Smith 500; what could go wrong?! I'll tell you exactly what could go wrong. You could break your fucking wrist. I've shot them before, having over 10 years of experience shooting I didn't walk in expecting to "rock it" like a pro. I knew damn well I had to hold on for dear mother fucking life, and it still knocked me back a bit. So if you're pulling one of those guns from a holster, sorry 'bout your dick bro.

When it comes to pistols, any gun is better than no gun. Except Hi-Point, then no gun is better. However, if you've got any type of desire to survive the Zombie Apocalypse, you're not even going to consider a Hi-Point as a gun; which brings us back to any gun is better than no gun. Caliber comfort varies from person to person, but in essence the rule holds from rifles; If you're new, don't dive into the deep end, and if you're smart enough to know your limits, keep being smart. You don't wanna end up another Darwinian Statistic, because from there you'll be turning into a notch on someone's Zombie Drop List.

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Handling Hordes

A single zombie is not much of a threat - especially for those of us who are prepared for their arrival - but hordes are a serious threat in the zombie apocalypse. Now you may be thinking, "I didn't really consider a horde..." or maybe "I still ain't fucking scared!" How would YOU mow down the horde? Are you going to get head shot after head shot with a rifle? Or are you going to use explosives? 

Oh wait, most of us won't have shit like that. So what are we to do!? 

The best way to handle the horde is to stay away from the horde - as far away as possible, duh. 5 Easy Ways To Avoid Hordes Of Zombies

There will be times when you can not avoid the hordes (like Black Friday). If this is the case, you want to pick your engagements very carefully (like Black Friday). Eliminate the fastest and closest zombies first (um...yeah) if you have a gun. 

Without a gun you will need to rely on your melee combat skills, which may be severely lacking at first. Unless you are a some sort of Kung-Fu Master. Or Chuck Norris (yeah I went there). 

For hordes, you will want longer melee weapons (like a lacrosse stick, one of those giant cotton swabs from American Gladiator, or a few of these blades) so that you can maintain some distance between you and the hungry assholes. Don't perform the Zombie Apocalypse Epic Fail - getting too close to a zombie (to punch his face piece in) and getting caught with a scratch or bite from one of his cronies - because then it is curtains for you! CURTAINS I TELL YA! 

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SCHWING!

Knife? Sword? Ax? Hatchet? Tomahawk? Which way do you swing?

Each of these little beauties has it's own purpose or multi-purpose. A quick breakdown of each:

Knives--Good for close quarters situations such as hand-to-hand with that dick neighbor down the street (come on, it's the zombie apocalypse and he's ALWAYS talked shit about how much nicer his lawn is), as well as quietly dropping those flesh eating bastards that made taking your neighbor out possible (remember to thank them before you kill them).

Swords--the finest art in the world of blades. Whether it be a Samurai Katana (respectful bow), Scottish Claymore (FREEEEEDOM!!!!), the Greek Xiphos (THIS...IS...THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!!), the Chinese Broad Sword (Confucius say cut those zombie fucks up), or the multitude of other long bladed zombie cutting pieces of sexiness out there, swords are important.

Axes--Who hasn't seen some crazy bad ass viking movie with 6 foot tall giant dudes swinging a sick ass looking battle ax? Smash! I win (in Viking language).

Next we come to hatchets--Smaller, single headed only versions of an ax. Two weapons/tools in one with the accompanying hammer head opposite the blade!

Finally--the Tomahawk (insert Homer Simpson drooling noise here). Throwing ax anyone? Why HELL YES, SIR! A well balanced tomahawk is an amazing tool in the ever expanding arsenal of the prepared zombie apocalypse survivor. A more useful weapon against enemies still using cognitive skills because it is a one and done if thrown, which means you'd have a chance to pull it out, versus a zombie which seems to almost never be alone, and a little too small/short range to use in a multiple zombie or horde situation. Now for the special details of each group.

Knives--"Never bring a knife to a gun fight." Unless they're a bad shot

They also work for cutting up meat as well as other foods; provided you remember to sterilize properly. No dumb-ass don't break out the pocket hand sanitizer. Bleach or ammonia is your best friend. Might be a little funky to taste if ya don't rinse it off but better than turning into another flesh eater because of cross contamination (a little shout out to my friends in food service). Proper sized blades also have another purpose or two few people ever think about. First is the more obvious-Intimidation. My girlfriend and I were standing in line at Wal-Mart one day after I got out of work, and I was looking through a magazine while she was putting the cart stuff onto the check out belt. She looks up at me and laughs, saying "When did we switch rolls? Most people would laugh at a guy reading tabloids while his girlfriend unloads the cart." I laughed at her joke, the guy behind us laughed, and then I turned enough to say, I won't make an issue, but here's why I can get away with it. I followed my laugh with telling my girlfriend "People tend not to fuck with the guy carrying an 8 inch K-Bar on his leg." The guy behind us took a few steps back. Second and more importantly, you have the potential for clean amputation. A large blade like a sword is great for the quick and dirty cut, but you need something smaller to clean up after the initial cut, and that's where your smaller knives come in. You also have throwing knives, similar to the tomahawks mentioned earlier, they are a one and done if you throw, but that's why the "s" is there in knives. Never throw your last one, but most sets you can buy have a minimum of six. Quiet, easily concealed, and if necessary, as well as properly taught, an effective weapon at up to 20 feet. I wouldn't personally press my luck past that, but the farthest confirmed kill throw was during WWII at an exceptionally impressive 87 feet. (Best of luck matching that.)

Pros-Concealable, light weight, quiet, multiple carried with little issue

Cons-Small, short range when thrown, close quarters when kept in hand, "Never bring a knife to a gun fight"

Swords

Swords are definitely important. As shown by the ever popular show The Walking Dead. Great in a pinch where you're out of ammo, good medium distance handheld weapons, and helping skinny black chicks kick ratings ass for the last three years. Approximately 3 to 3.5 feet in length in average, the sword is a great close quarters weapon; when used properly. Incorrect use can lead to injuring or killing people in your band, or possible accidental self amputation if you're not paying attention. The same could be said of knives, but the level of stupidity needs to be a lot higher with a smaller blade. A sword gives you far better distance when working against enemies living or dead. A three foot swing is way better than a six to ten inch stab.

Pros-More thrusting/stabbing distance than a knife, far more leverage behind your swing than with a knife, intimidation factor, as with knives, goes up the bigger the blade gets.

Cons-Much harder to conceal than knives, poorly constructed swords tend to break easily, accidental self amputation can happen rather easily.

Axes

Standard sizes are approximately three to five feet in length. Weights range from two eight pounds. Well known ax swingers include Johnny Appleseed and George Washington (I wonder if they saw it coming too and wanted to keep well practiced?) Good for chopping bodies and heads (living or not) in half, as well as cutting firewood for the winter. Zombie apocalypse or not, you'll never catch me wintering in Florida, just too damn cliche. There are two common types of axes--the battle ax, a two headed, body destroying weapon of mass zombie destruction. The other option is the standard work ax--not a recommendation, but again, this blog is about practicality not comfort, and if work ax is in grabbing distance, work ax is in handling distance. Mass produced, single headed ax that normally comes with a shitty fiberglass handle that breaks if you hit something with too much force, or too many times, so if you need to get one, the old college adage comes in - wrap it before you tap it. A minimum of two layers of heavy duty duct tape for stability, and just to be safe, throw a layer or two of electrical tape on there for grip. Always keep an eye on, funny enough, the eye, which is where the ax head and handle meet, that's generally where your breaks will occur, especially if you follow the taping instructions.

Pros-Best weight to size ratio for leverage in the bladed weapons category, two heads, two kills, most battle axes have beards-extended bottom edge usually used to grab and pull toward the handler

Cons-Handles tend to break under pressure, often a two handed weapon, not good for people of smaller statures, catching the wrong person with the beard of an ax can get you pulled toward them

Hatchets

A hammer? A small ax? Both together? Throw it on your belt so you can get to chopping! I've done a few roofs in my life, usually with a standard claw hammer and some chisels; but good lord did working with a hatchet make life easy. They're a bit awkward if you're not used to them, but in an apocalypse situation, with a comfort versus practicality situation, if comfort is your focus, I'll see you on the other side. Also, stop reading because Darwin says you're not allowed to live.

Pros-Two weapons in one, concealable, small enough to pull out in an emergency, can be used for building defenses as hammer

Cons-Small (that's what she said), thin steal tends to crack easily, double as a hammer will shorten life span for use

Tomahawks

A well balanced tomahawk is an amazing tool in the ever expanding arsenal of the prepared zombie apocalypse survivor. A more useful weapon against enemies still using cognitive skills because it is a one and done if thrown, which means you'd have a chance to pull it out, versus a zombie which seems to almost never be alone, and a little too small/short range to use in a multiple zombie or horde situation. Made famous by Native Americans, especially during the post Civil War times when the American Government attempted to wipe out a people who just refused to be wiped out. Hats off to you guys by the way, definitely wouldn't mind a few Native Americans in my merry band of survivors. More recently seen being handled by Mel Gibson in The Patriot (shut up, good movie, good actor). Most people think of scalping when they think tomahawk. Me? I think amazing weapon designed for close quarters combat as well as multi-purpose tool just like a hatchet or ax.

Pros-Well balanced, sharp, an actual tomahawk crafted by Native Americans are exceptionally reliable, great for throwing

Cons-Small like hatchets, weight is an issue when leverage is needed, like a knife, effective distance to be trusted is about twenty feet

Overall in the grand scheme of life and the zombie apocalypse, any blade is a good blade, but if advice is asked then the advice given is this--just like a gun, match the blade to your size. If you're 5 foot nothing don't go running out with a three foot battle ax, the damn thing will weigh more than you. If you're 6 foot 4, don't grab a pocket knife if you don't have to, it's gonna be too small in your hands. And my final thought--if you're looking for comfort, you're fucked. Remember boys and girls, no matter your situation, if you have a blade you always have something to poke shit with ;). Have a nice apocalypse!

In The Woods Entertainment

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5 Easy Ways To Avoid Hordes of Zombies

One of the funniest things about considering the reality of the zombie apocalypse is how slow and harmless zombies appear in most fiction. Sometimes I space out while watching a zombie flick like, "How useless are most people to meet such a ridiculous end?" You see one lone zombie shuffling in the street and literally might lol at him like "are you serious right now?"

Zombie hordes take the silly out of the threat posed by one zombie and amplify the threat exponentially. Even though individual zombies are basically the laughing stock of the supernatural world (unless you count Twilight), in hordes zombies reach their maximum threat level. Relentless and insatiable, a horde of zombies is hard to fend off. If you get close enough to deliver a skull-crushing blow to one of them, you also put yourself within swiping and chomping distance of the rest of them.

So how can you avoid hordes of zombies? Is it as easy as just not spilling ketchup on my shirt and thus not attracting them to the delicious human meat already fitted with ketchup? Or should I have studied a little harder in trigonometry? Neither, really. Here are 5 pretty simple ways to avoid hordes during the zombie apocalypse.

5. Stay out of cities. Mobs of zombies will be more common in the cities. I'm not sure if it is the food or the flashy nightlife, but cities are where zombies hang out most frequently.

4. Set obstacles between you and the hordes. If you have ever played football, you can think of this tactic much the same way as setting your blocks. Careful stiff arming zombies though. Definitely do it, but be careful about it and make sure somebody is watching so a good laugh doesn't go to waste.

3. Blend in. This is a bit risky, but effective if you do it right. On The Walking Dead a few of the characters smeared guts all over themselves to blend in with the hordes, enabling them to pass right through the hordes undetected. In Shaun Of The Dead and The Mummy, different characters were also able to blend in by imitating the zombie demeanor. Be careful though - when the effect wears off, you will be a duck in China town.

2. Bait and Switch - the oldest trick in the book. Make a ruckus in tactically selected locations to herd the zombies to those locations and away from your camp. This is a strategy that is demonstrated to some extent in The Walking Dead, the Telltale Games story that takes place in the same universe as the TV show. You can use loud noises, fire, or just whoever feels froggy enough to holler out "Come and eat me ya zombie fucks!" until the hordes show up. Obviously, don't volunteer to be that person.

1. Shhhhhh!. Be quiet. Any sound you make is a dinner bell for lurking hordes of zombies. Yes, lurking hordes. We have all seen the movies. This concept of lurking hordes should come as no surprise. When a character turns the corner and all of a sudden there are massive amounts of zombies coming from all sides, those zombies are lurking hordes. Every noise you make during the zombie apocalypse is an invitation for the hordes to feast on you. Door creaks open when entering a room? Zombies devour you. A twig snaps under your foot in the woods? Zombies show up and eat you. Answer your cell phone in the movie theater? Well, we can only get so lucky I guess.

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Minimize Work, Maximize Lethality

22 is the magic number. A .22 caliber (preferably .22 Long Rifle which I’ll now refer to as LR) is your best friend in the beginning stages of the Zombie Apocalypse. Movement is your primary concern; and if you’re a lazy bastard like me you don’t want all that extra stuff to lug around, which means you need light weight supplies. A brick (500 bullets) of .22 LR weighs approximately 3.5 pounds versus the same number of bullets of .223/5.56 which is one of the most popular sporting rifles rounds in distribution today via the AR-15 (Oh God! That evil rifle the news is always talking about!) and other variants of that rifle, weighing in at about 16 pounds. Same count, just under 5 times the weight. I’ll run around with the .22 myself.

As far as the actual guns to go with—the world is open at this point, so find something comfortable.  There is a specific rifle I would recommend were it not for trademark and copyright issues; I will say this though—Take Down. Look it up in reference to the .22 LR and you’ll find what you’re looking for. Light weight, easy to clean, and can be split in half if space is an issue. Other than the factor of weight, when it comes to .22 you have a lot of key features which I fell in love with while working with guns. 

In the Zombie Apocalypse you’re going to have a bunch of anti-gunners that will finally realize the usefulness of America’s pro-gunners; and .22 is an easy round to teach people to work with due to low recoil and sound. You never want to put someone in a situation where they can’t handle a firearm or the noise it makes, and I plan to teach my daughter how to shoot at age 5 (Hopefully she doesn’t end up shooting better than me that young) on, you guessed it, a .22. Another very sound reason for going with the .22 is what’s called over-penetration.  Have you ever watched a movie and seen the bad (or sometimes good) guy shoot one person and the bullet goes through and hits X amount of bystanders? (Shit I just shot the Pope aiming for the zombie trying to eat him) Not likely if at all possible with a .22.  The bullet is so small that it will actually ricochet off of any bone it contacts once inside the body, that goes for zombies as well as well as any less than friendly non-zombies you may run into, (Imagine the legendary baddie the Governor going down from a .22) so your only concern when wondering if you may hit someone or something you’re not intending to is if you’re a bad shot and might miss.

Now, if you’re intent on getting a little more power with your shot, then carbine rifles are the way to go. (Warning! Evil rifle alert) The ever popular AR-15 is nice, but the gun itself is on the larger side despite what most people seem to believe about it. Coming in at an average of 2 and a half to 3 feet long they’re not easy to maneuver with. (Insert obligatory “That’s what she said.”)

Two personal favorites of mine are the Beretta CX 4 Storm (coming in 9 millimeter, .40 caliber, and the knock down .45 caliber) and HK USC model, sadly only in .45 cal (Keep the Volkswagens and beer, give me a German gun any day). A slight downside—the HK USC was discontinued in 2013, but if you can come across one, find a way to make it yours, they are German artwork. A comparable, possibly even better rifle after doing a little more research, seems to be the KRISS Vector CRB .45. I haven’t personally shot one but having watched several videos on them they seem to be reliable, accurate, and user friendly; which is always a nice bonus. Best part of working with a .45 caliber rifle? POP goes the zombie head. Both the HK and Beretta come in at an approximate minimum length of 18 inches, and a maximum of approximately 22 inches. The Vector comes in at a more hefty length 34.8 inches (Giggity) so it is closer to an AR-15 in size.

What caliber would I go with you ask?  The 9 millimeter all day. Because of that logic, there is one more rifle that must be noted—the KelTec Sub 2000. Light weight, compact (folds in half similar to the .22 mentioned earlier) and accurate with little compensation up to 50 yards. Nobody enjoys having to compensate for shortcomings. The same logic is applied here as with the .22. The bigger the bullet, the more weight you have to deal with and speed is always a factor. I love working with anything .45 caliber, but there are times when logic must beat love, and moving from one place to another in the early stages of the Zombie Apocalypse requires logic before all else. A particular beauty of the CX model is that if you go with 9 mm and happen to have a fond liking for Beretta pistols, if you have the model 92FS or the PX 4 9mm you also have an easy swap of magazines. The 92FS will work with the CX 4 rifle but the rifle magazine won’t work with the pistol. However, if you have the PX 4 pistol, the magazine from rifle to pistol and vice versa is interchangeable.

Covering magazine capabilities

Depending on the state you live in your magazine options may be limited.  If, like me, you’re stuck in a repressive state (New York) or worse yet my state of birth New Jersey (which is probably where the outbreak will start due to radiation or petrochemical exposure), you are, for lack of a better term, screwed. Magazine capacity is limited to 10 at most. I covered the Beretta magazines earlier so we can jump to the other guns. For the .22 you have a standard rotary magazine available wherever most firearms accessories can be found, which will normally give you a 10 round capacity anyway; however you also have what is called a Banana magazine (depending on your preferences, could help with more than just guns wink wink), which is in essence exactly what it sounds like. It has the rotary magazine body on top to fit any rotary style .22, with a hooked extension that looks just like a banana.  These usually come in a 25 shot capacity. The HK magazines (called “stick” magazines because of their rectangular appearance) vary in size, generally 10 rounds, but you can find 15 and 20 round magazines.  Both the Vector and KelTec take Glock magazines which vary from 10 rounds up to 33 rounds.  The KelTec, depending on which model you get will also accept Smith & Wesson Model 59, Beretta 92FS, and Sig Saur P226 magazines.

Coming Soon!

Side Arms (Have to match those rifle mags with the pistols they were designed for)

Archery (Even if you press your own ammo eventually gun powder goes dry)

Blades (SCHWING!)

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Tools Of The Trade

When the shit goes down, it will be helpful for one to be able to identify useful items instantly - whether something is useful as a weapon or as a tool of some sort, knowing what you need will save you a lot of trouble down the road. This post here will go over some of the key "Tools of the Trade" that you should be looking for the day the zombies run amok. 

Any guns you find, obviously you would want to consider taking with you. Whether for destroying zombies, protecting yourself from douche bags, or hunting food guns are one of the best weapons you can have in the zombie apocalypse. Accompanying guns would be bullets. If you see a bullet, pick it up, all day long you'll have...that bullet. Until you use it. So use it wisely.

Hammers, wrenches, screwdrivers. Any tool of the manual variety is absolutely worth squeezing into your backpack. There are no more contractors to call to fix and build shit for you, you have to do it yourself from this point forward. Plus most of these tools double as close quarters weaponry. 

Lighters. I have noted before how important lighters can be and for what reasons. Pick them up, take them with you. Every single time. Even if you think that you can rub sticks together well enough to make a fire, chances are you are just a schmuck and you can't really do that. So get a lighter.

Containers. Collecting rain water will be your new source of fresh drinking water. And depending on your hideout, you may need a pot to piss in (or drop dookie for that matter). Just don't mix the rain buckets with the shit buckets.

Keep your eyes peeled for anything that has potential use in it. After the fall of society, resourcefulness should know no bounds.

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Surviving Bites and Scratches

One of the most controversial situations in any zombie fiction is when one of the characters in the story suffers a bite or scratch and the remaining survivors struggle with how to handle this new threat. In George Romero's classic Night Of The Living Dead, Cooper's young daughter is in the basement, bitten by a zombie. The other characters have no idea that she is slowly turning into a zombie. In The Walking Dead's first season, Jim is bitten by a zombie during an attack on the camp. This situation is presented in almost every legitimate piece of zombie fiction because of the dilemma it creates; our friend is now turning into a monster, we don't know how to stop it, we don't want to kill him, what do we do?

If you are bitten by a zombie, is it all over for you? In The Walking Dead, Rick was able to save Hershel after Hershel was bitten by removing the infected extremity from his body before the infection spread. This same tactic in the graphic novel was unsuccessfully employed to save the character Allen, who ultimately dies from blood loss. This shows both sides of the coin. You may be saved from turning into a zombie at the expense of a limb or you may be spared the "fever" one gets while turning by dying from an unsuccessful attempt at salvaging your human life. 

If a zombie bit or scratched your leg, would you want to attempt an amputation in hopes of continuing on? Or would you prefer to wait it out and test the laws of fiction (yes, laws of fiction. I realize what it sounds like) to see if you really turn into a zombie or if you just sneeze a few times, take a gnarly shit and recover. Chicken noodle soup should help.

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What About Super Zombies?

It has been 6 months since the initial outbreak. Some are worried about the evolution of the zombies - will they become better hunters due to their constant and unquenchable drive to feed? 

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I challenge the traditional assumption that zombies are slow moving and weak individually. Where is the logic in that assumption? It is foolish to write off an adversary as weak and slow without at least considering the alternatives.

What if zombies kept some of their physical capabilities from human life? A body builder zombie that is stronger than some smaller humans? A marathon runner turned zombie that can outrun its human prey? Why are these ideas less plausible than the shambling, dim-witted, and ultimately easy to defeat idea of a typical zombie. Fat zombies would be much harder to hold a door closed against than small child zombies (yep, I went there).

It is then posited by some that zombies can have super strength or agility stemming from the infection that transformed them from human to flesh eating monster. These fringe ideas include all sorts of deviations from the standard assumption of zombie intelligence and ability, questioning the very basics of what we assume about zombies. Fast zombies? Flying zombies? A zombie that could kick the door down without breaking stride (zombie DEA)? Maybe zombies that could operate equipment? Or talk ("Hey, fresh brains!")?

For the most part, I cannot accept humans becoming infected, turning into zombies, and then getting super powers from the same infection that is ending their human lives. It seems a little campy - which really says something considering the entire concept of The Zombie Apocalypse And You! 

Fast zombies are conceivable to some degree - not super fast or unnaturally fast, but zombies that can move at similar speeds to regular humans. Why would an otherwise healthy human unfortunate enough to have been bitten by a zombie all of a sudden be reduced to shambles for his maximum speed? I doubt that someone who was slow in human life would all of a sudden become the Usain Bolt of zombies.  If Usain Bolt became a zombie, however, there may be no escape!

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