Perimeter Defenses

"Heads up! They're pushing through!!"

Every zombie survivalist's worst nightmare is seeing a horde breaking through what they thought was a solid defensive perimeter; or worse yet, hostile douche bags coming in to try to steal your hard earned (or hard stolen) supplies. Pistols, rifles, and blades have already been covered, so if it comes to that, use them. But how do you prevent spending precious ammo or damaging good blades on a pile of douche bags you'll probably never see again, or a horde that will most likely overrun you and your crew?

It's said that the best defense is a good offense. I say the best defense is a big ass fence; two if possible; just ask Rick Perry, he would DEFINITELY agree. Your primary fence should be chain link, like what's most commonly seen in yards today. HOWEVER you don't want to be that ass-hole who thinks "OK, my fence is up. I'm invincible." Especially if it's the standard layout with posts every five to eight feet (*cough* you're FUCKED *cough*). You're going to want them every foot or less to really maximize your strengths. Follow that up with a traditional style palisade (20 foot long vertical posts stuck at least four feet into the ground), complete with archer's towers (if you can't figure out how to work the towers in to your primary defensive fence design then you know what? Fuck it, double them bitches up just to be safe). Personally, I'd go with steel pipes instead of wood. While wood is good (am I right or am I right ladies? Some gentlemen as well; don't want to leave anyone out), you spray the steel down with Rhino Liner, or some other type of heavy duty coating, and your element proofing is basically taken care of. From here we go landscape defenses.

Pits are no one's friend; especially if you forget your deodorant, which most people won't have during the zombie apocalypse. But they can be helpful if you fill them with sharpened stakes to catch those hungry zombie fucks! Or to stop other humans trying to steal your stuff, which will then double as bait for the zombies. They always appreciate an easy snack. Markers are always helpful so you don't become one of those snacks; remember to always leave something obvious to those who know what to look for, but undetectable to the clueless amblers (kind of like herpes).

I.E.D. Clay pots-- Most notably used in the Vietnam War against Americans, were exceptional weapons. Set up in a similar fashion as they were in the war (left out in a way to make them seem useful or to be holding supplies), a simple trip wire staged with a heavy flint and gun powder or gasoline mixed with oil to make sure it sticks will make a good show as well doing some serious damage. While zombies may take a while to have their brains melt from the heat, it'll drop anything actually breathing really fast.

Home made Napalm--A good friend of mine that was former military once said something very profound; "Naaaapalm, Naaaapalm! Sticks like glue!! Sticks to buildings and vehicles too!" The italics is for the rather squeamish, I edited it a bit, since this is meant to be a family friendly apocalyptic death scenario blog. Think it's impossible? Apparently you didn't have enough free time as a kid. I won't give you the proper ratios on here so as not to be labeled a domestic terrorist, but gasoline and styrofoam are very good friends. How could napalm be useful you ask? Line your perimeter with it and all you need is a well placed match, lighter, or flaming projectile and all of a sudden you have a blazing wall that people can't get over without having fire stick to at least a small part of their body. Well done zombie anyone?

Gun powder--It doesn't just make guns go boom! We can look back to the clay pots mentioned earlier with this one, as well as anything else you can figure out how to make pressure tight. The more compression gun powder has, the bigger the boom. You just have to make sure you don't end up like the "firecracker kids" that invariably pop up every year around 4th of July. Fingers are for more than pointing after all. (Again, am I right ladies?)

Boiling Animal Fat--No one ever gives enough credit to the fatties (double entendre anyone?). Animal fat is great as a fire source for not only keeping yourself warm in colder climates, but as a defensive tool as well. As the start of this section suggests, get it boiling, and drop it on those intruding pricks trying to break through your hopefully kick ass defenses! If that doesn't work, or if they're in vehicles and boiling fat doesn't do the trick - flaming projectile time! In essence it's an easier way to get napalm. Sticky and thick (giggity) it'll get the job done and light very quickly. If you're using it on zombies, the heat produced from getting something that thick to boil will sear flesh, which means the body will be rendered basically useless.

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POP Goes the Pistol

Small, Medium, Large, or "Sorry 'bout your dick bro"?

There are an EXORBITANT amount of options in the world when it comes to handguns; which is probably why I love them so much. A list of the top 10 guns sold in America in 2013 (in no particular order because I was too lazy to classify based on sales or use) should help explain a good majority, and that will be followed by a breakdown of each.

The ever popular doorstop Glock (I cringe at the thought, but a lot of people love them, and I will tip my hat to them for reliability. But ONLY as I give them the middle finger for weight and balance).

Beretta, if you're a fan of '90s buddy cop movies, particularly Lethal Weapon (Mel Gibson's gun), or are current or former military that had sidearms training after the late 80's or early 90's, you're familiar with what they look like.

Smith & Wesson, also great doorstops that can double as a hammer if needed,  for their semi-automatic pistols, but quite possibly some of the best revolvers ever made, especially for the price they normally come out with.

The world renowned 1911 (Kimber manufacturing took top sales for 2013 I've shot them, beautiful guns).

Lesser known guns are the Hi-Point, which should be lesser known since it's nickname is the five dollar hood special. KelTec, which doesn't make horrible guns, I'm personally not a fan, but as a last resort I'll take it over a Hi-Point any day. Taurus, the wannabe Beretta, the Springfield XD Series (the All-American "Fuck you!" to Glock), Sig Saur (I know I know...we kicked their goose-stepping asses in WWII why would I trust one of their guns? Because Germans don't fuck around when it comes to shooting shit, that's why), and finally the Ruger, similar to Smith & Wesson in that they're known for their revolvers, but different from Smith & Wesson in that their semi-autos aren't complete pieces of shit.

Two guns not on the top 10 list, but that need mention because of my opening line--The Desert Eagle, which comes in .44 Magnum and .50 caliber (aka .50 Action Express, future referenced as AE), and the .50 caliber revolver, 500 Smith & Wesson, made by a variety of manufacturers. To sum these up, sorry again, about your dick bro.

Glock

The Austrian word for "Shit, I just pulled 5 feet left because this fucker's so light!" Can you tell I'm not a fan? Credit does need to be given where it's due though. EXCEPTIONAL durability--Mud, blood, sand, dirt, over lubed (giggity) under lubed (ouch >_<), hot, or cold; as long as you don't limp-wrist it like a teenage girl nervously giving her first hand job, it'll keep on coming (just like the teenage boy getting his first hand job). Glocks come in every logical caliber. Logical being anything but .44 SPL or Mag, and .50 caliber (AE or 500 S&W). Your standard Glock pistol models are 17 (9mm, full size frame), 22 (.40 caliber, full size frame), 20 (10mm full size frame), 21 (.45 caliber full size frame) 42 (.380 caliber, subcompact; downside to this, as with most .380s-6 shot magazine). Cleaning and maintaining a Glock is very easy, with the Generation 4 models, a simple field strip can be done with three fingers with enough practice. Any prior models and it usually takes four or five, just for safety.

Beretta

Italian for "Not quite a Lambo, but still a sexy bitch..." When the military decided to switch from the iconic 1911 to the Beretta M9 in the late 70s/early 80s, people weren't exactly happy; and by people I mean anyone who'd ever been in combat or had a family member in combat. They knew what that beautiful little .45 could do, versus some rinky dink piece of shit 9mm? No contest. But capacity won out. 15 rounds in the magazine versus 7 tends to make people stop and think. Since then, Beretta has proven itself on the battlefield, with Law Enforcement, as well as the standard armed civilian. 

Beretta has a number of pistols to work with, all the way up to the .45 caliber. The two classics, the Model 92FS and Model 92A1 are basically what you see in the movies, with the exception of the A1 having notched out grooves under the front of the barrel for accessories (either a flashlight or laser, "You want some laser eye surgery, Leo?" gotta love Gibson), which are your standard 9mm pistols. Then there's the Model 96 and 96A1, same concept as the Model 92s but in .40 caliber. Beretta has also recently come out with their PX4 Storm models, which I briefly covered in my rifle post. Varying from 9mm up to .45 caliber, if Beretta stands behind them, I will too. BUT I will say, as with Glock, I don't like plastic, and having shot them, I'm not a personal fan of the PX4 models. 

Lastly is the Neos, a little plinker .22, but I've said it before, and I'll say it again, .22 is your best friend in an apocalypse situation. I've shot them, and for .22 they are very nice, very reliable pistols. A lot of .22s tend to jam due to improper grip, but this gun can be shot almost barely being held.

Anything with a variant of the number 90 in it is very easy to work with and clean, which is always good, but bear something VERY important in mind, the 92F, the original 9mm designed for mass production had a bit of a problem. After shooting, people tended to have the slide (top half of the gun) come back into their face. I love the movie Sin City, but I personally don't want to end up like Benicio Del Toro. The PX models and the Neos are a pain in the balls to clean if you haven't done it before, but like anything, practice makes perfect.

Smith & Wesson

The American Revolver. You don't get much classier than a Smith Model 29 (Go ahead punk, make my day), or the Model 686, well recognized by sight, .357 magnum. The NYPD has the option of carrying slight variations of the Model 5906 semi-auto 9mm pistol, but it's rare because they know how unreliable they are. For that reason, I say this--AVOID Smith & Wesson semi-autos for at least another 2-3 years, just to make sure they get the kinks out. Don't get me wrong, an apocalypse is an apocalypse, if you come across one, grab that bitch. But if you have the option to walk away, take it. The two revolvers mentioned--well, the Model 29 falls under the SBYD category. A .44 Mag is just too inefficient, the bullets are heavy as hell, the recoil, for most, is unmanageable, and even if you can manage it, there's still too much time off target where you have to readjust. And God forbid you have to shoot in a low-light situation, you will blind yourself from the muzzle flash. The Model 686 (similar to Rick's Python, for my new generation "Dead" Heads out there) on the other hand, exceptional gun, taking .357 Mag as well as .38 SPL, which is always a plus. Less recoil, more manageable for weight on the gun as well as the ammo, and a gun that takes two types of ammunition is always a bonus.

Ruger

The Blackhawk and Redhawk. Anyone who claims a working knowledge of popular guns knows these two guns. The key difference being their action types; single action only (only works with the hammer cocked) or double action (option of hammer cocked or squeeze through the trigger). Single action is far more accurate due to a lighter, and far shorter trigger squeeze; therefore the Blackhawk is going to be covered first. 

Coming in .357 for your standard Blackhawk, or .44 Mag with the Super Blackhawk, you have your options. Once again you can go .357 or .38 SPL with the standard Blackhawk which is always a plus, downside though is loading and reloading. The easiest way to explain it is take one bullet out, put one in, then rotate the cylinder, and so on five more times. 

The Redhawk on the other hand, you have the ease of dropping six shots in with one step if you have a speed-loader, and even if you don't you have full access to the cylinder which greatly speeds up loading time. Firing speed is also important in this situation. With a single action revolver, as already stated, you HAVE to cock the hammer back, half a second to two seconds doesn't sound like a lot, but when you have a bunch of hungry ass dead fucks coming at you like it's cheat night for Jenny Craig and you're the chocolate bar, that time is important as hell. 

The SR series of semi-auto pistols designed by Ruger are on the stronger side for need of experience due to how heavy some of the movable parts are, mainly the slide lock, and God forbid you're in a reload situation, you don't want to break your thumb trying to rechamber with a new magazine. Their most popular semi-auto though, is the LCP (Light Carry Pistol). This model comes in the traditional LCP chambered in .380 ACP, LC9 9mm for something with a little more pop, anything larger and you step back in to the SR series. For Ruger, get yourself a Redhawk .357 Magnum if you have the option.

Hi-Point

You're fucked. Seriously? Gonna keep going, hoping to see something good about these? OK, IF you manage to get it loaded, put that bitch under your chin and make your peace with God, because that first shot is your only guaranteed shot.

KelTec

I have very mixed feelings on KelTecs, they are reliable, their rifles are exceptional, and they have a wide variety of pistols available. They are commonly known for their Concealed Carry pistols though, most notably the Model P3AT; a .380 caliber pocket pistol. A major design flaw in them unfortunately, is KelTec decided not to take the time to flatten out the contact edges above the trigger guard when they made it, (it's injection molded, so in essence two pieces of polymer plastic pressed together). However the KelTec does have a slightly lighter trigger pull giving a bit more of an accurate shot due to said smoothness (and who doesn't like it better when it's smooth?), but knowing you're going to get bit by the frame does tend to throw shooters off when working with them (unless you're into that kind of kinky shit). It's a bit of a tough competition, the Ruger LCP is the stronger option for comfort in the hands and controllable recoil, while the P3AT has the smoother trigger, for their size, it's a toss up for what to go with.

Taurus

"I wanna be a Beretta! But cheaper and shittier." NAILED IT! Taurus is known for taking a great semi-auto pistol, and turning it into a bigger pile of shit than Sarah Palin's explanation of her international relations experience. Good revolvers, like Ruger and Smith, but this knock-off Beretta is just that-a shitty knock-off. I once saw a picture of a beautifully gold inlayed, intricately carved 1911, and I almost cried when I realized that craftsmanship like that couldn't be shot, can't take the chance of messing up the design; then I realized it was a Taurus and was at peace, because they're barely trustworthy in 9mm, fuck .45. 

The two revolvers Taurus is well known for, and hold up well in durability, are the Judge and the Raging Judge (good job marketing department, couldn't even pick something original for the second one). The Judge is the more feasible option for control. The option of .45 Colt (think .45 ACP on steroids) or a .410 Shotgun Shell are challenging, but manageable. The Raging Judge runs the added option of .454 Casull (sorry, once again, 'bout your dick bro), unwieldy for anyone without a large amount of experience with stronger caliber guns, these are your two best options for Taurus, with the recommendation going to the standard Judge.

Springfield XD Series

I've shot them, I love them. It's a rare opportunity for me to compliment a polymer pistol, but when it comes to comfort, accuracy, and balance--The XD nailed it. My favorite part of the gun? Springfield's giant middle finger to Glock with the name. An abbreviated history lesson; when Glock originally came out it was sold exclusively to Law Enforcement, garnering the nickname "The Duty Pistol". Springfield, being the All-American company that it is, countered with XD; the "X-Treme Duty Pistol" (Hey...FUCK YOU Glock"). They come in an extremely wide variety, 9mm, .40 cal, and .45. You also have the XD-S models, which, just like their big brothers, come in all three of the standard calibers, but in approximately half the size.

Sig Saur

Used by military, law enforcement, and civilians alike, the Sig Saur is an overall very well adapted gun. Having a variety of sizes and calibers, the Sig is a versatile pistol that holds up very well in just about any situation. The P229 is the most common Sig pistol in circulation at the moment, being a standard option for law enforcement and Military Police, it's a reliable, durable weapon; however my preference is toward the Model P2022 due to a more user friendly interface. The standard Sig model has the slide lock and auto decocker (lever that brings the hammer forward without firing the gun) that feel almost exactly alike, which can throw off a shooter not used to working with that style of gun mechanics; for a new shooter think Ricky Bobby--"I...I don't know what to do with my hands." The P2022 on the other hand, has a much more pronounced slide lock, with a tight bodied decocker. In all, the Sig is a gun that, while you do need to get comfortable with it, is a definite must for any zombie apocalypse arsenal.

1911

This part may take me a while to write just because I'll have to keep wiping the drool off of my keyboard. There aren't many objects in the world that you can simply reference a year and most people know what you're talking about. The 1911 happens to be one of them. John Moses Browning was the original designer; with the U.S. military finding a very high demand for something with such power in the late 1800s and early 1900s in the Philippines. John Browning delivered, and to this day, his design still delivers, with the 1911 being heralded by most gun aficionados as "The service pistol". A .45 caliber, heavy duty stopping power, and for anyone comfortable enough to handle it, a near impossible gun to miss with. An original design flaw that in recent years has been dealt with was their magazine capacity, .45 is great, but in a horde situation you're effectively fucked with between seven and nine shots total. As stated though, this flaw has been corrected as of late, with several companies coming out with "double stack" magazines (higher capacity for ammunition). 

Para USA seems to be the most popular out there, a lot of haters on it, but I'm not allowed to say much with my already stated disdain for all things plastic, and most double stack 1911s seem to be plastic. If you're looking for a traditional, hard-hitting 1911 you want to go with one of three brands--Colt, which is the original mass producing company of 1911s, Springfield Armory, a personal favorite of mine from them is the "Champion" model, and Ruger. Just to clarify on this one--Glock can suck a big old rotting zombie dick if it's next to a 1911.

Desert Eagles and S&W 500s

Aren't you cute with your little hand cannon :) Dirty Harry days are done folks, and while I do so love watching him make the bad guy piss his pants, a .44 Mag Revolver (OR Desert Eagle) has no intimidation factor when it comes to zombies, and they are most definitely priority numero uno for the purposes of this blog. 

For that reason, don't be a bitch, carry something that makes sense. A Smith 500; what could go wrong?! I'll tell you exactly what could go wrong. You could break your fucking wrist. I've shot them before, having over 10 years of experience shooting I didn't walk in expecting to "rock it" like a pro. I knew damn well I had to hold on for dear mother fucking life, and it still knocked me back a bit. So if you're pulling one of those guns from a holster, sorry 'bout your dick bro.

When it comes to pistols, any gun is better than no gun. Except Hi-Point, then no gun is better. However, if you've got any type of desire to survive the Zombie Apocalypse, you're not even going to consider a Hi-Point as a gun; which brings us back to any gun is better than no gun. Caliber comfort varies from person to person, but in essence the rule holds from rifles; If you're new, don't dive into the deep end, and if you're smart enough to know your limits, keep being smart. You don't wanna end up another Darwinian Statistic, because from there you'll be turning into a notch on someone's Zombie Drop List.

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Minimize Work, Maximize Lethality

22 is the magic number. A .22 caliber (preferably .22 Long Rifle which I’ll now refer to as LR) is your best friend in the beginning stages of the Zombie Apocalypse. Movement is your primary concern; and if you’re a lazy bastard like me you don’t want all that extra stuff to lug around, which means you need light weight supplies. A brick (500 bullets) of .22 LR weighs approximately 3.5 pounds versus the same number of bullets of .223/5.56 which is one of the most popular sporting rifles rounds in distribution today via the AR-15 (Oh God! That evil rifle the news is always talking about!) and other variants of that rifle, weighing in at about 16 pounds. Same count, just under 5 times the weight. I’ll run around with the .22 myself.

As far as the actual guns to go with—the world is open at this point, so find something comfortable.  There is a specific rifle I would recommend were it not for trademark and copyright issues; I will say this though—Take Down. Look it up in reference to the .22 LR and you’ll find what you’re looking for. Light weight, easy to clean, and can be split in half if space is an issue. Other than the factor of weight, when it comes to .22 you have a lot of key features which I fell in love with while working with guns. 

In the Zombie Apocalypse you’re going to have a bunch of anti-gunners that will finally realize the usefulness of America’s pro-gunners; and .22 is an easy round to teach people to work with due to low recoil and sound. You never want to put someone in a situation where they can’t handle a firearm or the noise it makes, and I plan to teach my daughter how to shoot at age 5 (Hopefully she doesn’t end up shooting better than me that young) on, you guessed it, a .22. Another very sound reason for going with the .22 is what’s called over-penetration.  Have you ever watched a movie and seen the bad (or sometimes good) guy shoot one person and the bullet goes through and hits X amount of bystanders? (Shit I just shot the Pope aiming for the zombie trying to eat him) Not likely if at all possible with a .22.  The bullet is so small that it will actually ricochet off of any bone it contacts once inside the body, that goes for zombies as well as well as any less than friendly non-zombies you may run into, (Imagine the legendary baddie the Governor going down from a .22) so your only concern when wondering if you may hit someone or something you’re not intending to is if you’re a bad shot and might miss.

Now, if you’re intent on getting a little more power with your shot, then carbine rifles are the way to go. (Warning! Evil rifle alert) The ever popular AR-15 is nice, but the gun itself is on the larger side despite what most people seem to believe about it. Coming in at an average of 2 and a half to 3 feet long they’re not easy to maneuver with. (Insert obligatory “That’s what she said.”)

Two personal favorites of mine are the Beretta CX 4 Storm (coming in 9 millimeter, .40 caliber, and the knock down .45 caliber) and HK USC model, sadly only in .45 cal (Keep the Volkswagens and beer, give me a German gun any day). A slight downside—the HK USC was discontinued in 2013, but if you can come across one, find a way to make it yours, they are German artwork. A comparable, possibly even better rifle after doing a little more research, seems to be the KRISS Vector CRB .45. I haven’t personally shot one but having watched several videos on them they seem to be reliable, accurate, and user friendly; which is always a nice bonus. Best part of working with a .45 caliber rifle? POP goes the zombie head. Both the HK and Beretta come in at an approximate minimum length of 18 inches, and a maximum of approximately 22 inches. The Vector comes in at a more hefty length 34.8 inches (Giggity) so it is closer to an AR-15 in size.

What caliber would I go with you ask?  The 9 millimeter all day. Because of that logic, there is one more rifle that must be noted—the KelTec Sub 2000. Light weight, compact (folds in half similar to the .22 mentioned earlier) and accurate with little compensation up to 50 yards. Nobody enjoys having to compensate for shortcomings. The same logic is applied here as with the .22. The bigger the bullet, the more weight you have to deal with and speed is always a factor. I love working with anything .45 caliber, but there are times when logic must beat love, and moving from one place to another in the early stages of the Zombie Apocalypse requires logic before all else. A particular beauty of the CX model is that if you go with 9 mm and happen to have a fond liking for Beretta pistols, if you have the model 92FS or the PX 4 9mm you also have an easy swap of magazines. The 92FS will work with the CX 4 rifle but the rifle magazine won’t work with the pistol. However, if you have the PX 4 pistol, the magazine from rifle to pistol and vice versa is interchangeable.

Covering magazine capabilities

Depending on the state you live in your magazine options may be limited.  If, like me, you’re stuck in a repressive state (New York) or worse yet my state of birth New Jersey (which is probably where the outbreak will start due to radiation or petrochemical exposure), you are, for lack of a better term, screwed. Magazine capacity is limited to 10 at most. I covered the Beretta magazines earlier so we can jump to the other guns. For the .22 you have a standard rotary magazine available wherever most firearms accessories can be found, which will normally give you a 10 round capacity anyway; however you also have what is called a Banana magazine (depending on your preferences, could help with more than just guns wink wink), which is in essence exactly what it sounds like. It has the rotary magazine body on top to fit any rotary style .22, with a hooked extension that looks just like a banana.  These usually come in a 25 shot capacity. The HK magazines (called “stick” magazines because of their rectangular appearance) vary in size, generally 10 rounds, but you can find 15 and 20 round magazines.  Both the Vector and KelTec take Glock magazines which vary from 10 rounds up to 33 rounds.  The KelTec, depending on which model you get will also accept Smith & Wesson Model 59, Beretta 92FS, and Sig Saur P226 magazines.

Coming Soon!

Side Arms (Have to match those rifle mags with the pistols they were designed for)

Archery (Even if you press your own ammo eventually gun powder goes dry)

Blades (SCHWING!)

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